The Diabolical Accounts
by Ren and Missa
Summary: Some love stories aren't always love stories. Sometimes, it's just about...stalking.  Sequel to The Eccentric Files


**DISCLAIMER**: Not our fault.

**REN'S NOTES**: We promised that we'd write a sequel if TEF hit a thousand reviews, and then it did. This is both very cool and kind of annoying. _I_ wanted to feign ignorance but _Missa's_ still got your backs, so here we are. And the only way you're getting a trilogy is if _this_ gets a thousand reviews, and I am reasonably confident that it won't, so SAYONARA, BABY!

**MISSA'S NOTES**: OH GOD YOU GUYS IT'S ALMOST FOUR IN THE MORNING (good to know some things haven't changed in the four years since TEF) so if there are any mistakes...they're all Ren's. KIDDING. But seriously, don't judge too harshly, I worked six days in a row and I haven't stayed up until four in the morning in...a scary amount of time. So my brain is like, mush. ALSO, REN AND I CRANKED THIS OUT IN LIKE, A WEEK. WE DESERVE SOME SERIOUS PATS ON THE BACK. (More like Ren does, since naturally she's a trooper and did like, 70% of this story.) Anyway, enjoy everyone!

* * *

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: A pretty thing like you shouldn't be wandering around on your lonesome!

**TheDarkestShadow**: It gets creepier every time you say that.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Prude.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Also, check out my avatar and admire my new armor. I had it custom made from some genius Chinese dude!

**TheDarkestShadow**: It looks like you're wearing a bra.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Of course! The support is excellent!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Oh, god.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You could equip a condom, or something. For a stat boost in protection.

**TheDarkestShadow**: ...

**TheDarkestShadow**: _Inappropriate_.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Heh heh heh!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Go back to your blog and stop harassing me.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...what blog?

**TheDarkestShadow**: _Your_ blog.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I don't know what you're talking about.

**TheDarkestShadow**: It's pink. And yellow.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...Okay, that was just a lucky guess.

**TheDarkestShadow**: And you have a cult following of weird Irish people.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HEY! I love my Irish people! They send me free socks!

**TheDarkestShadow**: ...That is so weird.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Uh, excuse me, can _you_ knit a sock? No.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Yes.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WRONG.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Don't _you_ know how to knit a sock?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WHY THE HELL DO YOU KNOW HOW TO KNIT A SOCK?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Because I am highly capable.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: _Lies_.

**TheDarkestShadow**: And there are many things about me that you don't know.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You've got a stash of tiny toy cars in your underwear drawer, I know.

**TheDarkestShadow**: ...Why were you even looking around in there?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: BECAUSE YOU FOLD SHIT _WRONG_.

**TheDarkestShadow**: A thousand apologies.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Seriously! And would it kill you to learn how to use the dishwasher? Because if I have to scrape off one more plate, I'm gonna-

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: OH CRAP!

**TheDarkestShadow**: The exclamation points!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WE'RE DOOMED!

**TheDarkestShadow**: The horror!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: NO SHIKAMARU YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU NEVER WATCH QUALITY CINEMA WITH ME!

**TheDarkestShadow**: I don't see how this leads back to American Idol.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WE'VE BECOME..._DOMESTICATED_!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Also I play MMORPGs now. And I'm not single. And sometimes I wear _underwear_!

**TheDarkestShadow**: I hear they do wonders for support.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: AAAAAAH WE'RE GOING TO GET A DIVORCE!

**TheDarkestShadow**: It happens.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: How can you be so calm? At this rate we'll lose our spark and become neurotic losers who yell at each other all the time!

**TheDarkestShadow**: I thought we were already like that.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

**TheDarkestShadow**: There, there.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: -hey, by the way, could you grab some tampons on your way home from work?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Could we go back to talking about our doomed relationship, please?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: …It makes me so happy when you admit that we are in a relationship!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ugh.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I might even have to send you an e-Valentine!

**TheDarkestShadow**: But it's _June_.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: SHUT UP SHIKAMARU I'M BEING ROMANTIC!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: After all...we have a very special day coming up.

**TheDarkestShadow**: You're leering right now, aren't you?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You're frantically refreshing your e-mail inbox for that e-valentine, aren't you?

**TheDarkestShadow**: No, I'm killing trolls.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...how romantic.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Aw, shit. I gotta go. Tech support stuff. Probably forgot to put paper in the printer or something.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Okay.

**TheDarkestShadow**: See you later.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WAIT!

**TheDarkestShadow**: What?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I love you.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Okay.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: "Okay" my _ass_, you emotionally stunted little jerk.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Harpy.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I am sending you a list of things to buy me for our anniversary. I suggest you study it.

**TheDarkestShadow**: And what am_ I_ getting?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: My charming wit and concentrated sexiness!

**TheDarkestShadow**: ...Eh...

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I am so blogging about this. And one of my loyal Irish men will just swoop in and make me his lassie. So there.

**TheDarkestShadow**: You have such disturbing fantasies.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Also, I would like to note that my aforementioned blog? Purely hypothetical. Just so we're clear.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Since I have NOTHING else to do, I guess I'll just have to text you. How is the Naruto/Hinata/Kiba situation holding up? I'm trying to make things escalate. It's so awesome when Neji cries.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

WHY ARE YOU NOT IMMEDIATELY TEXTING ME BACK?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Oh, and, I hope you're enjoying your last few days of confinement. Ah, high school. I left so very little behind...

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Speaking of which, you had better send me pictures of you in that dinky little hat/gown thing.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

And pictures of your engagement ring.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

In case I didn't make that clear enough: the ring Sasuke is going to give you as a symbol of his TWU WUB!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Actually, I have sort of planned out your entire future. So, you guys are going to get married in like a year, and then have roughly eight children. So, you will be enormous and cranky all the time. Congratulations.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I forgot to mention the part about you constantly smelling like diapers.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I would also like to mention that while all of this is going on, I am somewhere on a beach with a pretty alcoholic beverage. One with the little umbrellas. And Mr. Butters. PH can...I don't know, fetch my towel or something.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I get to be maid of honor at your inevitable, looming wedding, right?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

"Sakura, drink your tomato juice! Our clan must be strong!"

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I suppose I forgot to mention that there's always the chance of you eloping with Lee.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

WOMAN HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SPAM YOU BEFORE YOU REPLY?

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

I was at the park with the kids, though I'm not sorry I missed your little mental breakdown.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Also, Sasuke-kun and I are not getting married in the foreseeable future.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Neither are Lee and I.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Remind me to tell PH to take away your phone before you do any more damage with it, crazy cat lady.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Hi Sasuke-kun! Um, I can't come over today. Liverpool's having a REALLY important soccer match and I want to watch it. Sorry! Love you! :D

* * *

From: GreenEyed07  
To: valentineSTAKER  
Subject: Re: Hey, you

Hi Gaara! E-mailing you to see how your record deal is going...and also because I heard the song you wrote about me on the radio earlier. It was...interesting. Very, um, deep. Also, I need a favor from you. When Ino goes in to work later, can you do something torturous to her? Thanks!

* * *

**Welcome to G R I N D I N G!**

_Homeland of justcallmeMASTERINO._

Dear minions,

Today has been very upsetting.

And not just because of the underwear thing. Although it did boost my defense (among other things) like crazy, so many thanks to **XiaoLin**!

Anyway. PH is a butthead, and if he blows off our anniversary, I am seriously going to go all Japanese horror-movie on him. Fer realz.

Sincerely,

Master Ino

P.S. Brett, thanks for the socks. Well, sock. PH accidentally burned one of them when he was trying to use it as an oven mitt. He's a pretty dumb genius. But anyway, the leftie's still good!

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Sweetie...

When you leap out of the bushes on your little assassination crusades, it can be traumatizing to the bystanders. Seriously, think of the poor, crying little freshman!

You monster.

She-who-illuminates-your-world-like-tomorrow's-sun,

Tenten

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: HHyuuga  
Subject: Focus on your studies!

Listen. From now on, if either one of those philanderers even looks at you, IGNORE them and TELL ME.

And no, being their lab partner does not constitute as an excuse for idle conversation. And I don't care how many times Uzumaki manages to set his head on fire, it will never be a justified means of socializing! Remember what dating him did to your health? Don't go back to that.

Please, Hinata. Consider your future. You hardly have time to be fooling around with some boys.

Sincerely,

Neji

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Sorry

I have re-evaluated my current priorities and come to the conclusion that my time spent with you is a distraction from my other goals. Please do not cry over me for too long.

Fondly,

Neji

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Neji, sweet,

Aliens took over your e-mail again! You should really do something about that virus. It's not terribly amusing. I suggest violently purging it from your system. Do you need my help?

Consequently, I was visiting with my large cousin today. He's a bouncer. His name is Tiny. He told me that if you every broke my heart, he'd break your face.

God, he's funny.

Sweet-as-the-song-of-small-birds,

Tenten

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Are you THREATENING ME?

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Silly boy.

When I threaten you, you'll know.

Resplendent-as-a-moonlit-waterfall,

Tenten

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Let me take you out to dinner.

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Re: Sorry

You're such an M!

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Re: Tell me

What's an M?

P.S. Also, we're battling to the death. Tell Kiba to come.

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
Subject: You suck

Neji wants to know what an M is.

Ninjio!

Naruto

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Re: You suck

...how could he _possibly_ not know about that?

Wait, more importantly, _why_ does he need to know?

Also, don't talk to me. You're my enemy.

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
Subject: Re: You suck

TENTEN, you moron. I heard she was born with a whip in her hand!

And you're not my enemy. Acknowledging you as my enemy would be admitting that you are on the same playing field as me when, in fact, I have already vanquished you. And Neji. And all her male family members.

Ninjuuuuu!

Naruto

P.S. Neji says he's going to kill us.

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Re: You suck

You do realize that if Neji catches us making sexual speculations about his girlfriend, he'll bury us?

And don't be a moron. A whip? That's just tacky. Riding crops are more cutting edge.

YOU FOOL! I'm her best friend! And you've given her a medical condition.

P.S. Kill _you_, maybe. _I_ am playing by the rules.

P.P.S. Also, bugger off. She's already dated you and dumped you. IT'S OVER.

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Re: You suck

Kiba says Tenten was born with a riding crop in one hand!

Ninjan,

Naruto

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
Subject: Re: You suck

I just told on you.

Sucker.

Also: It's NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION! She's _swooning_.

Ninjette!

Naruto

P.S. "Playing by the rules?" What the hell is _that_ supposed to mean!

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Re: You suck

Oh.

You.

Little.

Bitch.

P.S. It means that I'm having dinner with her father tonight, loser.

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: What?

I don't understand your little jokes, Uzumaki. Tenten doesn't even _like_ horses.

Cordially,

Neji

P.S. Prepare to die, scum.

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
To: Angel4awhile  
Subject: Please?

I need you to kill Naruto for me.

And for the love of god, tell Neji what an M is.

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
Subject: Re: You suck

Neji's relapsing. He called me scum again!

P.S. Sweet. Free food!

* * *

From: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Re: You suck

Oh, PERFECT. Now he's gonna try to sacrifice us to the gods of chaos or something.

P.S. Yeah, for ME. _You_ don't get to come!

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Question!

Dude, you have to let me come to dinner with Kiba. It's not fair! It's not! I won't tell you what an M is unless you let me come!

Ninjed,

Naruto

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Re: Question!

Don't be an imbecile. These dinners are reserved for singular clientele.

And I am perfectly capable of finding out what Tenten meant on my own. All I need do is ask her.

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Wait

I would ask you clarify what you meant by an "M."

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Heh.

I'd be more than happy to show you.

Elusive-as-the-first-blossom-of-spring,

Tenten

* * *

From: xxRamenNinjaxx  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Hook me up?

I need to make an appointment.

Ninjood,

Naruto

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: xxRamenNinjaxx  
Subject: Excellent

I look forward to tearing you apart with the others.

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Wait

Just promise me you won't break anything.

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Scratch that

Wait, I know you. Of course you'll break something. You break everything.

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Sorry

I think we should see other people. I shall think of you often and fondly. Though I am certain you are above such acts of pettiness, please do not break all my stuff as an act of revenge.

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Your little panic attacks are very sweet.

I'll be right over with the scrabble and the tea!

Doting-as-an-early-spring-hen,

Tenten

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Re: Sorry

No! I just told you! We aren't together anymore! And I'm not having a panic attack!

* * *

From: PoInTy  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Re: Sorry

We can do this the hard way.

Rigid-as-deep-sea-coral,

Tenten

* * *

From: NHyuuga  
To: PoInTy  
Subject: Re: Sorry

Could you bring those little cakes too? I like those.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: ShikamanXX  
Subject: FYI

Hey, lump. Anniversary. Tomorrow. Dazzle me. I mean it. Make a note in your planner or something.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: EveryxDogxHasxItsxDayx  
Subject: Re: Please?

I'll think about it. What're you doing for me, lover boy?

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: NHyuuga  
Subject: Something you should know

M stands for Malleable. Better shape up, Neji. Tenten's gonna walk all over you.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

WHO ARE THESE KIDS YOU TOOK TO THE PARK?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Also: how dare you. Ditcher. I hope Sasuke throws up on your shoes when he proposes.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Dude, check out the Hinata/Kiba/Naruto drama when you get a chance. It sounds amazing. Ten bucks says Hinata has a nervous breakdown and makes a mad sprint for the nearest nunnery.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Also, hey, how was Sasuke's soccer game? Was he the disgustingly competent ace as usual?

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER  
To: GreenEyed07  
Subject: Re: Hey, you!

Record deal would be going better if the people managing it were dead.

I'm glad you liked it. Kankuro wrote the lyrics. Except the part about razor blades and setting small furry things on fire. That was me.

Sorry, but the last time I did something mean to Ino she ground antidepressants into my food for a week.

Watch yourself.

Gaara

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

My SIBLINGS, you moron. I took my siblings to the park. I think working so often has turned your brain to mush.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Also, Sasuke is not proposing to me. We've been over this. He's too emotionally stunted for that.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Fifteen bucks says Neji tries to attack both Kiba AND Naruto.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

I, um, I don't know how Sasuke's game went. I kind of, er, missed it? I may have a slight new obsession...

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Known as Spain's National Team. (It DOES have to do with soccer, though!) IN MY DEFENSE, LOOK UP: Fernando Torres; Sergio Ramos; and Gerard Pique.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

And they were on TV playing at the same time as Sasuke's soccer game and god only knows I've seen Sasuke's games enough so I stayed home to watch the game!

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Another reason why Sasuke isn't proposing is because he is Not Amused with my newest obsession. I think he feels neglected. I would feel bad...except I think Spain has a chance of winning the World Cup. So I don't.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Speaking of love, your and PH's anniversary is tomorrow, yes? DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S GOTTEN YOU YET?

* * *

From: GreenEyed07  
To: ShikamanXX  
Subject: True love!

Hi, Superman!

So yours and Ino's anniversary is tomorrow, yes? WHAT HAVE YOU GOTTEN HER? I'm surprised you haven't e-mailed me yet to ask, since I am The Best Friend and would, therefore, know what Ino likes.

And this is the first one-year anniversary, so it's a big deal, most ESPECIALLY to Ino.

But no pressure.

-Sakura

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Sakura

Kiba, what's this I hear about a love triangle between you, Naruto, and Hinata? Ino is most amused, and I think several betting pools have started up.

Not that I'm partaking in any.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sakura

Uzumaki Naruto, if you do anything stupid and piss Neji off by fighting with Kiba and upsetting Hinata, I will not bail you out of jail. SO DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Hi, Sasuke-kun! I'm really sorry I missed your game, but, um, I had prior engagements. I'm sure you did wonderfully, though!

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Also, since you are Naruto's best friend (don't try and deny it, we all know how close you two are) I was wondering if you knew anything about the Kiba/Hinata/Naruto triangle?

* * *

From: GreenEyed07  
To: ValentineSTAKER  
Subject: Fight hard!

Yeah, management is very dumb. I'm sorry they're giving you problems.

Gaara, dear, don't you know the meaning of the word 'subtle'? BE A NINJA OR SOMETHING. Do something, but make it subtle, so she'll never know it was you!

And whatever you do, don't tell her it was me who told you to do it. She will make my life HELL - even from miles and miles away.

-Sakura

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Sakura

Hey, Tenten! I need a favor from you: since Neji tends to listen to you, can you make sure he doesn't kill Kiba and Naruto? Stupid as they are, I'm a little fond of them and would be upset if they were dead. Thanks!

* * *

From: Tenten  
To: Naruto, Kiba  
Subject: Good news!

Sakura says she'll take whoever Hinata passes over. Fight hard, boys!

Benevolent-as-the-summer-winds,

Tenten

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

Look, I know you think you're being sneaky and all, but if you've gotta stalk us to the restaurant you could at least stop FALLING OUT OF THE TREE.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

I'm watching you.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

I swear to god, I will _hurt_ you. Okay, her dad's coming back from the bathroom now, so I'll talk to you la...

a;lksdfjadk;lsfj

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Dude. Why is he holding a _sword_?

And you look like you're about to wet yourself, by the way.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

It's the special sword they use for ceremonial circumcision.

I _feel_ like I'm about to wet myself!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Bet you wish I was in there now!

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

No, I don't. I can do this. His overgrown butter knife doesn't scare _me_. And Neji doesn't either. But if he keeps kicking me under the table, I swear I'm gonna smash a pie in his face.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

HEY YOU! I woke up, and you were gone. Which is kind of lame, but whatever. So, anyway! I give up. I've looked everywhere, but I still can't find it. Where'd you hide it?

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

Find what?

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

My present! For our anniversary!

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

Wait, you were serious about that?

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

What.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

WAIT YOU MEAN THERE'S NO PRESENT?

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

OH THAT IS IT. PREPARE YOURSELF, BUDDY.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

Look, calm down. I'll talk to you after work.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

Get down to the lobby and help me get through security so I can kill you.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

Wait, you're HERE?

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

I haven't mastered the art of long-distance decapitation.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

Very funny.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

If you don't get down here in two minutes, you are going to be very, very sorry.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

I think I'll wait until you've calmed down, thanks.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Management

S. Nara, please deal with the screaming young lady in our lobby. We've already gotten noise complaints from the pizza parlor four blocks down.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

PH IS A BUTTMUNCH AND I HATE HIM.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I did almost get him fired, though. WHICH HE DESERVED.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

HE DIDN'T EVEN FORGET. HE THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING. ABOUT CELEBRATING OUR ANNIVERSARY, I MEAN. WTF.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Also, Sasuke's not going to marry you if you're spending all your time ogling other soccer players.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Not that I blame you or anything, because, damn. Still. I bet he's sulking.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

LIKE ME. I AM SULKING. YOU KNOW WHY I AM SULKING? BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND IS A BUTTMUNCH, THAT'S WHY.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

I hate you. And your avatar is stupid. STUPID!

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

Also, I am leaving you and moving in with Sakura. Because you are a buttmunch. And your avatar is stupid. WHAT KIND OF GIRL JOKES ABOUT HER ANNIVERSARY, MORON!

* * *

To: Sakrua  
From: Ino

Seriously. Just. How could he have not taken this seriously? I'm his girlfriend!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Oh. My. God. Sakura. WHAT IF HE HAS A SECRET LOVER?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

That's gotta be it. He must. I mean, I always thought that PH was too much of a lazy ass to have a secret double life but I BET IT WAS ALL AN ACT. That scoundrel. This necessitates some investigation.

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Ino

I know.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Choji

Know what?

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Ino

About Shikamaru's secret wife.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Choji

You have a secret wife and you didn't tell me?

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Shikamaru

I'm working.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Choji

OH MY GOD!

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Shikamaru

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT I HAD ONE?

To: Shikamaru  
From: Choji

No reason. Just checking.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Choji

If you learn anything, tell me.

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Ino

Wait, _what_?

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Ino

You are not the man I thought you were!

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Shikamaru

Oh, for the love of god...

* * *

To: Temari  
From: Ino

Shikamaru has a secret double life complete with a fat little wife and two children!

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Temari

Is that some sort of code? I don't get it.

* * *

To: Gaara, Kankuro  
From: Ino

I have a problem.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Ino

So, how does one go about being a ninja, exactly?

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Management

Ino, I don't pay you to stand around texting people! Go flip some patties or something!

* * *

To: Management  
From: Ino

But you just texted me! It would be rude if I didn't text you back!

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Management

GET OFF YOUR PHONE!

* * *

To: Management  
From: Ino

WAIT! First tell me how to fix my love life! You're The Burger King! You know everything!

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Management

I'm confiscating your phone.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

LOL WAIT WHAT. HE THOUGHT YOU WERE _JOKING_?

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Oh my god. Your boyfriend is even more emotionally stunted than MINE. I didn't even realize that was possible.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Speaking of which, I haven't talked to him in two days. He really MUST be mad at me. Huh.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

It's very uncool of you to give me the cold shoulder, Sasuke-kun. Very immature. Almost Naruto-like. Actually, he would be more mature about this than you are.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Which is why you should talk to me about this. Like an adult.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Or at least let your beautiful and amazing girlfriend know that you're not lying in a ditch somewhere?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

You have until tomorrow to talk to me. If not I'm sending Naruto out to find you, and there WILL be repercussions, young man.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Sakura

Wow, you are in some deep trouble. Right about now would be the appropriate time to inquire from The Best Friend how to make things right.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Sakura

Because I've already called godmother to all of your children, so really, it's just easier for all of us if you apologize to Ino.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Why are none of the men in my life answering my texts? Naruto's ignoring me, Kiba hasn't answered me, Gaara hasn't replied to my e-mail, and Sasuke's mad at me.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

Road trip to Spain?

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

I'm winning.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Shut your face, you are not.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

Oh yeah? I've gotten daddy's approval.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

FFFFFFFFFF

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

So actually, my previous statement? That I was winning? Forget that. I've _already won_.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

I wouldn't be so sure about that, buddy.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

What's that supposed to mean?

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

It means I just bought you on e-Bay.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

And for five dollars, might I add.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

I'M GONNA KILL SHINO.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

I knew he was on my side!

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

WHAT THE HELL. HOW IS THIS EVEN LEGAL? THIS IS HUMAN TRAFFICKING!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Hey. Don't shout at your new master.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

OH SCREW YOU.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

Wait, dude, you're on e-Bay too!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

I just bought you for thirty cents!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

CURSE YOOOOOOOU!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Actually, wait! It doesn't even matter! I owned you first!

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

THEN I'LL JUST BUY MYSELF BACK!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

NO STOP IT YOU AREN'T FOR SALE!

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

OH CRAP SOMEONE JUST BOUGHT ME AND IT WASN'T YOU!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Wait, seriously? Why didn't they buy ME?

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

They spent five hundred dollars! I can't buy them out! Naruto, hurry up and buy me back!

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

WHO IS THIS PERSON?

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY BOUGHT YOU AND NOT ME!

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

Neji, you're twitching.

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

I bought myself a present.

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

I thought you didn't believe in presents.

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

I don't. Presents are for the weak.

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

Your logic never fails to impress me.

* * *

**Welcome to G R I N D I N G!**

_Homeland of justcallmeMASTERINO._

Okay, listen up.

If you see a moron with a pineapple head, stalk him. Don't let him out of your sight. Make note of everyone he interacts with, and what he does with them. If you can get pictures, that's even better. Report back here with your findings.

That will be all. Dismissed!

P.S. Brett, thank you for the long underwear. I mean, it's June right now so I can't really wear them without suffocating, but they're very warm!

P.P.S. Also, if you see a dumbass McDonald's Manager with a cowlick and a grumpy face, mob him and get my phone back for me! I can't wait a full day! That's just crazy!

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Shikamaru

Ino's stalking me.

* * *

To: Shikamaru  
From: Choji

I'm sure you're just imagining things.

* * *

To: Choji  
From: Shikamaru

Oh, I see how it is.

* * *

Dear Ino,

I am leaving this note for you and watching you as you read it. Yeah, I mean right now. Look up. See me? I'm drinking my coffee over there. Well, I should be. I guess it's possible that I'm still waiting for the barista to get her act together.

Anyways, stop following me. I can cross the street by myself.

-Shikamaru

P.S. We're out of milk.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: GreenEyed07  
Subject: !

THAT COCKY SON OF A BITCH LEFT ME A NOTE TAPED TO A LIGHT POLE.

WHEN I WAS STALKING HIM.

ASKING ME TO GET GROCERIES. LIKE I'M HIS MAID OR SOMETHING.

IT IS SO _ON_.

Also, if you sent me a text message and I haven't replied yet, it's because The Burger King took my phone away. Stupid jerk. I bet he's looking through all my pictures like some sort of pervert.

Ugh!

Anyway, yeah. Thinking about something other than myself for a moment: Let me know how things are going with Sasuke. Apartment or house? Two or three kids? Keeping or changing your last name?

P.S. Monitor Tenten. She is being fiendish and encouraging Neji's violent behavior. I suspect Hinata is on the verge of snapping.

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER  
To: GreenEyed07  
Subject: Re: Fight hard!

I got The Burger King to take her phone away. Happy?

Also: why does she have so many pictures of that singing guy with the Mohawk? He looks like a pansy. I could nail that sucker.

I doubt you know anything about this, but have you heard anything about Temari? Word is she's dating some guy I hate. And I don't hate him because he's dating my sister. I hate him because he has a stupid face.

Make sure to check under your bed. A lot of serial killers like to hide under people's beds.

Gaara

* * *

**2sexxy2c**: ino i think the troll is dead

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I know. I was just ripping off its arms for fun.

**2sexxy2c**: omg

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WHAT

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I AM ALLOWED TO BE A LITTLE UPSET

**2sexxy2c**: look maybe he will take u out to dinner or someting

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HA!

**2sexxy2c**: or...not

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HE HAD ME PICK UP SOME MILK FOR HIM!

**2sexxy2c**: wait

**2sexxy2c**: u actually went and got it?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Well, yes. It's for the cat. Mr. Butters does not deserve to suffer just because his owner is defective!

**2sexxy2c**: maybe i should come back later

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: What? Why?

**2sexxy2c**: bc your cutting up its dick and it makes me squeamish

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You're. Not your.

**2sexxy2c**: eeeeeeee

_**-TheDarkestShadow has signed on-**_

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ino.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: SO THE EVIL SPAWN CAN _TALK_!

**2sexxy2c**: ok yea iiiiiii'm outta here

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: NO. YOU STAY _RIGHT THERE_.

**2sexxy2c**: _or_ i could stay here

**TheDarkestShadow**: I think you're over reacting.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: "OVER REACTING?"

**2sexxy2c**: oh jezus

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ARE YOU GENETICALLY INCLINED TO SAY THINGS THAT'LL PISS ME OFF?

**TheDarkestShadow**: It was just some milk.

**2sexxy2c**: dude, u aren't supposed to _talk_

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: NO. AND IT IS _MY_ MILK. I PUT A STICKER ON IT. AND A LABEL. SO GUESS WHAT, SHIKAMARU? YOU STILL HAVE NO MILK.

**2sexxy2c**: well this is uncomfortable

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: AND FOR CHRISTS' SAKE, WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO JUST BUY ME SOME CHOCOLATE?

**2sexxy2c**: she has a point

**TheDarkestShadow**: But you said eating chocolate made you fat.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: GOD DAMMIT SHIKAMARU THE WORD FAT DOES NOT EVEN BELONG IN A SENTENCE WITH ME

**2sexxy2c**:_ i_ don't think you're fat, ino

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: THANK YOU. I COULD USE A LITTLE SUPPORT RIGHT NOW.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I think I'm missing something. Look, if you want chocolate that badly, we have some in the fridge.

**2sexxy2c**: srsly y am i even here

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I AM A WOMAN WRONGED!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: AND I CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE, REMEMBER? IT'LL MAKE ME FAT.

_**-justcallmeMASTERINO has signed off-**_

**2sexxy2c**: my condolences

_**-2sexxy2c has signed off-**_

**TheDarkestShadow**: ...

**TheDarkestShadow**: Bothersome girl.

_**-TheDarkestShadow has signed off-

* * *

**_

To: Kiba  
From: Sakura

I get it that most ex's ignore one another, but I never thought WE would. Your lack of communication makes me sad. SEE? I AM WIBBLING RIGHT NOW. TEXT ME BACK, DAMMIT.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sakura

Have you seen/talked to Sasuke-kun? He is ignoring me. I am beginning to veer into Pissed Off Girlfriend mode.

* * *

To: Hinata  
From: Sakura

Okay. So since your, mine, and Ino's boyfriends are all being respectively stupid, I vote we FORM A PISSED OFF GIRLFRIENDS UNION OR SOMETHING.

* * *

To: Hinata  
From: Sakura

Because really, boys are very stupid. They must have a death wish. Can we run them over in Neji's car? That would seriously be some _sweet _justice.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile  
From: GreenEyed07  
Subject: I hate men

I THINK WE NEED TO TAKE A ROADTRIP TO SPAIN. BECAUSE THE MEN HERE ARE CLEARLY RETARDED. AND THE SPANISH MEN WILL NEVER FORGET ANNIVERSARIES OR IGNORE THEIR GIRLFRINDS JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE SULKING AND CAN'T TALK IT OUT WITH THEIR GIRLFRIEND LIKE A LOGICAL ADULT.

Ugh. Men.

Sasuke is lucky I don't rip every shiny, pretty strand of hair out of his STUPID head. I may very well kill him. I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HIM IN TWO DAYS BECAUSE HE'S TOO BUSY SULKING AND GIVING ME THE COLD SHOULDER. I am Not Amused. If this is how he wants to behave, then whatever.

(But still! I mean, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF HE'S OKAY? HE'S JUST ACTING LIKE A GIANT BABY AND AVOIDING ME, BUT WHAT IF HE'S GETTING HI-JACKED ON A BUS AND GETTING SHOT AT?)

P.S . Have you been giving Tenten ideas?

P.P.S . If The Burger King took away your phone, then how are you e-mailing me?

* * *

From: GreenEyed07  
To: valentineSTAKER  
Subject: re: FIGHT HARD!

No! I MEANT SOMETHING LIKE - oh, never mind. We are both respectively depressed.

Gaara, why are boys so stupid? Seriously. Stupid boyfriends. MORE TROUBLE THAN THEY'RE WORTH. I SHOULD HAVE JUST HOOKED UP WITH YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE. You're cool with my obsession with Spain's National Team - soccer, by the way - right? RIGHT?

No, I had no idea! But I'm sure he's very, um, stupid and uh, repulsive. NOT THAT HE WOULD BE TO DATE TEMARI, BUT HE SHOULD BE TAKEN DOWN. Because he's stupid. BECAUSE MEN ARE STUPID.

Also, that guy's name is Noah Puckerman, and he is amazing. I'm sure you're a better singer, though!

...I will be sure to check my bed tonight in paranoia every few seconds. Good night to you too, Gaara.

Sakura

* * *

To: Lee  
From: Sakura

Hi, Lee! I need your help. Sasuke is being stupid. And I can't find him ANYWHERE. Because he's ignoring me. Can you help me make him...not ignore me?

* * *

From: Lee  
To: Sakura

Yosh! Anything for the beautiful Sakura-chan!

* * *

From: Lee  
To: Sasuke

Sasuke-kun! Your Cherry Blossom is most distressed! You must be a proper boyfriend and rest her fears!

* * *

To: Lee  
From: Sasuke

How did you even get my number?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Lee

Gai-sensei gave it to me!

* * *

To: Lee  
From: Sasuke

...how did Gai-sensei get it?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Lee

Shino sold it to him! Such is the dedication of Gai-sensei, to make sure he has your number in case you feel the urge to contact him in your time of need! Gai-sensei is so thoughtful like that, ne, Sasuke-kun?

* * *

To: Lee  
From: Sasuke

Yeah. Wonderful.

* * *

From: Angel4awhile  
To: GreenEyed07  
Subject: Re: I hate men

ROAD TRIP? IT IS OFFICIALLY HAPPENING.

HE CALLED ME FAT. WELL. NOT REALLY. BUT BASICALLY. AT LEAST, HE DID NOT FALL OVER HIMSELF TO ASSURE ME OF MY NOT-FATNESS.

CARDINAL SIN? I THINK SO.

So for our road trip: All we need is a car. And some way across the Pacific Ocean. BUT PSHT, LIKE A LITTLE WATER EVER HURT ANYONE.

Seriously. _Seriously_. And I will be ready to go just as soon as I take out some garbage. If you know what I mean.

SAKURA, HE KEEPS LEAVING ME LITTLE PRESENTS. When I'm stalking him, I mean. In an attempt to find his secret lover. Did I tell you about that? I don't think I did. Anyways. I think PH has a secret lover. Probably a little squat woman with enormous breasts. I mean, he's gotta go back to her sometime! So, yeah, I'm stalking him. Naruto gave me tips and everything.

BUT HE ALWAYS KNOWS I'M THERE! AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF!

I mean, he could at least _pretend_ not to notice me. I even put on wigs and big glasses and hide behind newspapers and stuff! _How does he know_?

Plus, the little presents he's leaving me? ARE NOT CUTE OR ROMANTIC. What the crap am I going to do with a bouncy ball!

And his little notes? Are grocery lists. Well. First he tells me how stupid I am. And then he tells me to buy some milk.

I AM NOT BUYING THE GODDAMN MILK, OKAY? I HAVE MILK. I JUST DON'T WANT TO SHARE. THAT MAKES IT HIS PROBLEM. HE CAN BUY HIS OWN FREAKING MILK.

Mr. Butters has noticed that we are fighting. He totally threw up on Shitamaru's foot this morning. It was awesome. Although now that I think about it, I should probably take him to a vet.

...okay. Calm. I am calm now. Calm like Ghandi calm. That is how calm I am. I am freaking _yen_.

I'm sure this is the last thing you want to hear right now, but: Sasuke sulking? I TOLD YOU SO. However, this does not make it your fault. This is him being unreasonable about the demigods we see on TV. Like PH! PH gets annoyed whenever I watch Glee. He says the music is stupid.

_Like either of us seriously care about the music._

Sakura, if Sasuke is, in fact, on a bus and getting shot at, you are allowed to bust in there and save his sparkly ass. UNTIL THEN, shun him! We have a pact. A no-guy pact. And it is effective as of RIGHT. NOW.

P.S. I get my phone back today! I'll text you later. And I was e-mailing you with my _laptop_, dork.  
P.P.S. I would just like to say, here and now, that I am not responsible for what Tenten might do. I tried to make her see reason! I really tried. Well. Not very hard. But, still.  
P.P.P.S. Tomorrow's your last day! MY BAAAAABYYYYYY!

* * *

From: valentineSTAKER  
To: GreenEyed07  
Subject: Re: Fight Hard!

If you want, I could kill him and make it look like it was an accident.

...I'm not kidding.

Look, I grew up with Temari. What happens between you and the television is not my problem until the cable breaks and I have to fix it. I get it.

I looked him up. He's an _artist_. It's disgusting. I tried sending him a letter bomb but something went wrong and I ended up burning off my eyebrows. Now I hate him even _more_.

Good. Be careful. Also, I think you might be getting a letter from me in a few days. Don't open it. And don't try to burn it, either. I think I might have switched some envelopes.

Gaara

* * *

Kiba,

Haha, you're going to die.

Ninjinga,

-Naruto

* * *

Naruto,

Shut up. I have A Plan.

-Kiba

* * *

Kiba,

If your plan is to grab Hinata and run, I am here to tell you: IT DOESN'T WORK.

Ninju,

-Naruto

* * *

Naruto,

Maybe it didn't work for _you_. And that's a stupid plan, anyways. MY plan is to be teeth-achingly polite. They'll HAVE to like me!

-Kiba

P.S. The person who bought me? Neji. I don't actually know what this is supposed to mean but I'm still _terrified_.

* * *

Kiba,

HAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL THEY'LL NEVER LIKE YOU HAVE YOU EVEN _MET_ NEJI!

Ninjar,

-Naruto

P.S. Here rests Kiba: beloved son, okay friend, sad virgin, and unfortunate slave.

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

Tenten. Get the car.

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

Try again.

She-who-guides-like-a-compass,

Tenten

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

Get the car, please.

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

Yeah, we're going to have to work on that. Anyways! Where to?

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

I'm kidnapping Hinata and taking her somewhere safe.

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

Also, I don't think you should be dating a criminal. Goodbye.

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

Oh, cool! I get shotgun!

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

DO YOU EVER EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING?

* * *

To: Neji  
From: Tenten

Yes, dear.

She-who-smiles-like-a-preying-mantis,

Tenten

* * *

To: Tenten  
From: Neji

I'll just get the car, then.

* * *

To: Kiba, Naruto  
From: Tenten

Neji's kidnapping Hinata and taking her to a convent. Just thought you might like to know!

She-who-plots-like-a-map,

Tenten

* * *

Naruto,

Off topic, but...I'm not sure Neji's the one we should be worried about.

-Kiba

* * *

Kiba,

Dude, women are cracked. Like this is news.

Ninjii,

-Naruto

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Kiba

I'm not ignoring you, dorkus. I'm just a little busy right now. How've you been?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Naruto

You know, Sasuke, you might have had the Crimson Crayon for a while. But eventually, the bond between the two of you weakened. And you know who got the crayon then? ME!

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Naruto

That was a metaphor, by the way.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Naruto

In case you didn't get that.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Naruto

I know you can be a little slow.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sasuke

I understand perfectly. Crimson crayon is headed right over.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Naruto

WHY IS YOUR CRAZY STALKER IN MY BED GET IT OUT GET IT OUT EEEEEEE I HATE YOU!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Naruto

Sakura-chan, your boyfriend is mean. ALSO, I SAW HIM COMING OUT OF A JEWELRY STORE TODAY. I would say he was buying an engagement ring, but robots don't do such things.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sakura

...well, Christmas is coming up! Maybe he was buying gifts for then!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Naruto

...Christmas is _five months away_.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sakura

Never too early to start!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Naruto

...I give up. WHEN THE TWO OF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, SAKURA-CHAN, DO NOT BUY THEM THE 64-PACK OF CRAYONS. WE DO NOT NEED ANOTHER GENERATION OF UCHIHA CHILDREN KEEPING THE CRIMSON CRAYON TO THEMSELVES.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sakura

OH MY GOD WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Naruto

SAKURA-CHAN, THIS WAS A _VERY BIG DEAL_.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Sakura

Oh my god. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. LET IT GO, MAN.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Naruto

NEVER.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

So, um, apparently Naruto saw Sasuke coming out of a jewelry store.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

AHAHAHA WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

STFU. It probably means nothing, we're still fighting.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

He's totally doing this just to get make-up sex.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

DO YOU EVEN THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK OR -

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

ALRIGHT, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, SASUKE. EITHER YOU TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW OR I BREAK UP WITH YOU.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

What?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

YAY YOU FINALLY ANSWERED!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

...you weren't being serious?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Of course not! You're stupid, but I do love you. EVEN IF YOU'VE BEEN IGNORING ME FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS. You know, I am Very Upset With You.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

For what, ignoring you?

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

NO, FOR YOUR SECRET OTHER GIRLFRIEND!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

...what.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

That's right! Naruto saw you carrying a bag from a jewelry store and I mean, my birthday already passed, we're fighting, and it got me to realize that if Shikamaru can have a secret wife then why can't you have a little thing on the side too!

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Your little game is up, Sasuke-kun. You need to come clean.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

You moron, I wasn't buying jewelry for my secret girlfriend. You're MORE than enough for me.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN. ARE YOU GETTING TIRED OF ME, SASUKE-KUN?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

STUPID, I WAS BUYING YOU A PROMISE RING.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

You...you were what? REALLY?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

Yes, really. Now come over here you dummy so I can put it on you.

* * *

To: Sasuke  
From: Sakura

Wow, Sasuke-kun, I am _totally _swooning right now.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Sasuke

Stop texting me and get over here so I can apologize to you properly.

* * *

To: Angel4awhile  
From: GreenEyed07  
Subject: News!

KAY SO SASUKE-KUN DIDN'T PROPOSE TO ME. HE _DID_ GET ME A PROMISE RING, THOUGH.

Just thought I should inform you that YOU WERE WRONG.

This is so much better than an engagement.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

So I just read your e-mail - excuse me, I need to go throw up from the cuteness.

* * *

To: Ino  
From: Sakura

SHUT YOUR FACE, HATER.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

I can't believe both of us lost.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. NINJAS DON'T LOSE. I AM MERELY BIDING MY TIME.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

Suuuure you are.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

By the way, did you hear about the newest Tenten and Neji drama?

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Did she kill him or something?

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

...not far-fetched, actually. But no. Supposedly when Neji went to go pick up Hinata to drive her to the covenant to be a nun, Tenten knocked him out and flew him to Vegas - she befriended the pilot of his private jet, apparently - and they pulled a shotgun wedding.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

Apparently, Hinata's father is now drugged up to his eyeballs with Xanex because of it.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

WHY DOES THIS THOUGHT PLEASE ME SO MUCH?

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Finally, something we agree on.

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

You know, this means Hinata will be needing some TLC.

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

FOO, IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!

* * *

To: Naruto  
From: Kiba

What the hell does that even _mean_?

* * *

To: Kiba  
From: Naruto

Figures you'd be too dumb to know. PREPARE TO EAT MY DUST.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

IIIIIII HAVE MY PHONE BACK! Oh god, I feel like...dancing!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I got yelled at for dancing again. Or for humping the ice cream pole, which is what The Burger King referred to my smooth moves as. What-_ever_.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Okay, off work. Back to stalking! This shit is intense. He hasn't left me any presents yet, so I think that means he hasn't noticed me.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Why is PH just randomly walking around the city anyways?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

OKAY THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND. I AM HALFWAY UP A MOUNTAIN. A FREAKING MOUNTAIN. ARE WE TURNING BACK ANYTIME SOON?

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Okay, so it's a _hill_. Not a mountain. But still. STILL. I HATE NATURE!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Oh my god.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

SAKURA.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

SAKURA, HE LEFT ME A CARTON OF MILK.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

WAIT, WHY AM I SO HAPPY.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

THIS IS LIKE THE LEAST ROMANTIC THING, EVER.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

I mean, it's _milk_. I don't even _like_ milk that much.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

Oh, wait. Right. The Pact.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

The Pact, self. Remember The Pact.

* * *

To: Sakura  
From: Ino

WELL YOU ARE MARRYING SASUKE SO WHATEVER WE WERE GONNA HAVE TO BREAK IT AT SOME POINT ANYWAYS!

* * *

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Ahem.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Hey.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You bought me milk.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...that is so twisted.

**TheDarkestShadow**: It's what you wanted, isn't it?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Actually, I wanted you to take me to Italy and say "Ino, I love you, let's get married and have lots of fat children!" or something.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I hope you aren't too attached to that fantasy.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Well, I'm not NOW. I mean, our anniversary already passed. And you're an insensitive creep.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Huh.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I can live with that.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: So can I, apparently.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I have a question for you.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Oh, yeah?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Yeah. Did you tell your minions to stalk me or something?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Nnnnnoooooooooooooooo?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ino.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I...might have...suggested...erk.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Yeah, well, call them off. It's freaking me out more than you know.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Meaning?

**TheDarkestShadow**: Meaning that the guy who knits you shit? Is my boss.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: NO WAY.

**TheDarkestShadow**: How do you think _I_ feel about it?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Wait, how did you even find out about this?

**TheDarkestShadow**: I would rather not say.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...Ew.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HEY WAIT! WAIT. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM LETTING YOU GET AWAY WITH YOUR SECRET DOUBLE LIFE!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Say that again?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: You! And your dumpy little wife and two fat children!

**TheDarkestShadow**: ...Wait, I thought you were joking about that.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I WAS NOT JOKING.

**TheDarkestShadow**: HOW COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE ANOTHER LIFE.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I DON'T KNOW. YOU'RE SMART, YOU COULD FIND A WAY.

**TheDarkestShadow**: INO. YOU ALREADY TAKE ALL MY MONEY.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: SHUT UP SHIKAMARU LOGIC DOES NOT APPLY IN CIRCUMSTANCES SUCH AS THESE!

**TheDarkestShadow**: WELL, APPARANTLY NOT!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: WAIT STOP YELLING AT ME THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT IN THE FIRST PLACE FOR BLOWING OFF OUR ANNIVERSARY

**TheDarkestShadow**: Ugh.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: No! Not "ugh"!

**TheDarkestShadow**: But it's so _sappy_.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Shikamaru. I'm _kind of a sappy girl_.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Not really.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Okay, let me rephrase, _learn to be romantic, moron_.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I can be romantic.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: NAME ONE TIME.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I bought you milk!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...SHITAMARU!

**TheDarkestShadow**: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: MILK = WHITE PICKET FENCES. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Why does it have to be some big gesture, huh?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Because that's how it's supposed to happen, okay?

**TheDarkestShadow**: No.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY UP FOR DEBATE, MISTER.

**TheDarkestShadow**: But it's contrived.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: No, actually, it isn't. It's sweet.

**TheDarkestShadow**: I shouldn't have to make a show every time our anniversary comes up. It should just be a daily thing.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...

**TheDarkestShadow**: Seriously, don't make such a big deal out of it.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Uwah!

**TheDarkestShadow**: What?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Nothing. I just like you.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Yeah, yeah.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: It's all good, PH. I know you like me too.

**TheDarkestShadow**: Woman.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: EEEEEE wait till I tell Sakura!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Oh, man, she's gotta be freaking out by now. Tomorrow's graduation!

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: I mean, because I've been psyching her out all month. Telling her that Sasuke was going to ask her to marry him at graduation.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: And she is, like TERRIFIED of the idea.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Of course, that's all kind of null now that he gave her a promise ring, but I can scare her some more and tell her that now that Sasuke knows she's cool with his promise ring he's gonna pull out THE BIG GUNS on graduation day.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Oh, man. It's gonna be so great. I bet she'll punch him in the face if he gets within three feet of her.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: ...

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: HAHAHAHA! OH, YOUTH!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Are we gonna kill those trolls or not?

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Fine, fine. You should appreciate me more, you know. I became a nerd for you!

**TheDarkestShadow**: Shut up and save me.

**justcallmeMASTERINO**: Fine, fine.

* * *

**Welcome to G R I N D I N G!**

_Homeland of justcallmeMASTERINO._

Okay, you can stop stalking him now. Thanks, everyone! Although, I'm a little suspicious that ninety percent of the photos were ass-shots. Really, ladies (and gents!), control yourselves!

But, anyways...things have worked out now. Kind of. Enough for the moment, anyways. So, thanks.

P.S. Dude, Brett, knitting me underwear is sort of crossing a line.  
P.P.S. But they _are_ very comfortable.  
P.P.P.S. BUT IT'S STILL DISTURBING, OKAY?


End file.
